Down

I feel beaten. Worn. Exhausted.

I want a new drug. I want a new spark.

I hate this feeling of loneliness. I want that person, the one I dream of, to hold me, to love me. To comfort me and understand me. To listen to me.

Instead I'm trapped, alone. Trying to survive. I want to get away. I want something new. I want out because I don't know how to find my way in.

The one that I have has lost interest. The one I used to know is a fading memory. She doesn't visit like she used to. I miss her. There is another, but she remains an enigma. She's infected me. Sometimes she's a curse, sometimes she's the morning breeze.

I feel beaten. Confused. Worn.

Thanksgiving

Went around the table calling out what we were thankful for before eating our Thanksgiving meal yesterday.  Only had one rule:

1. Whatever you give thanks for has to be something new.

I offered to go first.

I'm thankful that the San Francisco Giants played well this past year and won the World Series.  I had a lot of fun watching them play on TV with my two children.  I had lots of fun taking them to two ball games (Rockies & Arizona).  I had even more fun watching post season with not only my two children but even my wife, who was late to LSA the night that they won.

That might sound silly but it was a strange unifying event, something that the three of us enjoyed together and made baseball something fun.

Missing Christmas

For my whole life I've celebrated Christmas.

I have good memories of Christmas time.  There was always the excitement of "midnight" mass, last minute gift wrapping and of course the surprise of the Christmas tree filled with gifts the next morning.  It was a challenge getting Dad to get out of bed the next morning but that too become part of the charm.

Since becoming a Bahá’í, I knew this day would come.  Last year wasn't so hard since we were out with my family.  This year we stayed home.  This year I tried to focus on other things.  I knew we wouldn't be getting a tree.  I knew we wouldn't do any decorating.  I didn't figure we'd be doing much for the kids either.  I tried to temper my emotions and not get too involved in the Christmas spirit this year.

Not easy.

I've read the following paragraph from National several times recently:

Bahá’ís should obviously be encouraged to preserve their inherited cultural identities, as long as the activities involved do not contravene the principles of the Faith. The perpetuation of such cultural characteristics is an expression of unity in diversity. Although most of these festive celebrations have no doubt stemmed from religious rituals in bygone ages, the believers should not be deterred from participating in those in which, over the course of time, the religious meaning has given way to purely culturally oriented practices. … there are a number of national customs in every part of the world which have cultural rather than religious connotations.

And from Shoghi Effendi,

As regards the celebration of the Christian Holidays by the believers, it is surely preferable and even highly advisable that the Friends should in their relation to each other discontinue observing such holidays as Christmas and New Year, and to have their festal gatherings of this nature instead during the intercalary days and Naw-Rúz.

I feel like there's a disconnect.  I knew few Bahá’ís who celebrate/observe Christmas but I also know few who don't do New Years.

I get the religious importance to Christmas.  I also feel that I can separate that from the fun that is Christmas time, from the fun that is gift giving, from the fun that is Christmas morning.  Thirty-four years of my life and Christmas was a big deal.   It's a part of me. 

Sad to skip Christmas this year.

Music

I’m starting to collect a lot of Christian rock.   I think it started when I created a Paramore channel on Pandora.  Anyways,  here’s a real quick run down of groups I’m listening to now:

1. Fireflight
2. tobyMac
3. Pillar
4. Superchick
5. Kutless
6. BarlowGirl
7. Skillet
8. Plumb
9. The Benjamin Gate

Sick kids in the house

Both my kids are sick.  It happens of course but starts to bother me when either starts missing more than a couple days of school.